Time Heals All Wounds…

Ever since my mom passed away last year, I can’t even begin to tell you how many times I’ve heard this little saying. Whether it came as a gentle whisper from someone trying to comfort me at her funeral to hearing it get thrown around in passing, over a year later, by a co-worker who thinks it’s way past time for me to move on from her loss, I always have the same reaction to that one all-too-familiar phrase.

I cringe. Really obviously. And not the kind that you try to hide, so you don’t offend someone by your reaction. It’s that full-on, entire face scrunching up, I-can’t-believe-you-just-said-that-to-me, kind of cringe.

Losing someone important to you – whether it’s your mother, father, husband, wife, son, daughter, brother, sister, best friend, etc. – is the kind of wound that will never, ever heal, no matter how much you want it to. Weeks, months, and years can go by, but all it takes is one memory. One tiny thing that reminds you of who you lost, that hits you like a slap in the face and just like that, the wound is fresh again.

Time doesn’t heal a wound that deep. It can’t, no matter how much you want it to. It’s always going to be a part of you, never fully disappearing, even though the pain may not be constant anymore.

“Time heals nothing, unless you move along with it.”

If you hadn’t noticed, I took a little bit of an unplanned hiatus from posting on social media and blogging in January and February.

The holidays were tough for our family – with this one being the first without my mom and all – and I had a lot of intense stress in my life that I was trying to deal with, all by myself. Then with my mom’s death anniversary in January and her birthday in February, she was never far from my thoughts. All of that compounded together had me on the brink of a mental and emotional breakdown for nearly two full months. By disappearing from pretty much everything other than family and work, I was able to cope with the stress and panic attacks enough to let me function decently.

Towards the beginning of last month, everything pretty much fell apart on this dream business of hers that I was desperately trying to hold on to and make work. It was like the bottom just gave out and the stress of holding everything together was so overwhelming, the mental breakdown came just a couple days later.

Not long after, my dad and I came to a decision that it was time to let my mom’s business go. Part of me feels like I failed her, which kills me inside, and I don’t know if I’ll ever get over that feeling. I don’t want her to be disappointed in me or angry with the decision I made, but I feel like I have to do what’s right for me now. Once we decided to let it go, it’s like other things began to come together in other ways.

For years after I left college, I had no concrete idea of what I wanted to do with my life career-wise. Nothing specific called out to me or felt like something I was passionate enough about to make a career out of.  But within the span of a few days after we decided to let go of my mom’s business, it’s like everything clicked inside me. With a portion of the stress gone, I was able to take some time and really evaluate my strengths, my weaknesses, my passions and my talents. Now, for the first time in my life, I feel like I have some direction and know the career path I want to pursue.

I guess the saying ‘when one door closes, another one opens‘ really is true. No matter how hard it was to face the fear of my mom not being proud of me for giving up on her dream or feeling like a complete failure for not being able to make it work, I know now that it was something I had to go through. Letting go of my mom’s dream allowed me to discover what mine were.

With March just beginning, the two hardest months of the year for me to get through are now behind me. I’m so thankful for all the support I’ve gotten from my fellow bloggers and readers over the past few months. It’s definitely time to come back from my unplanned hiatus. My goals, my dreams and my passions are now on the front burner and I’m ready to make things happen for myself. Most importantly, it’s back to blogging and back to posting on social media for this gal.

Thanks for sticking around and letting me pursue my passion on The City Lush every day!